Erectile dysfunction affects both people in a relationship. Sex can start to feel like a test, and your partner may wonder whether it’s about them. What helps most is talking about it openly, treating it as a problem you share and keeping touch and affection going while you work on the cause. If you can’t get an erection in any situation, including on your own, or the problem started with a new medicine or comes with other symptoms, see a doctor first. Keep It Hard, a program in The Coach app, teaches exercises for the anxiety that often keeps erection problems going, along with lessons on sex with a partner, including how to talk about it.
See my planWhen nobody talks about erection problems, each partner is left to fill the silence with their own explanation, and the distance between you can grow.
Common effects on a relationship include:
If worry about performance is part of the picture, our guide to sexual performance anxiety explains how it works and what helps.
The aim is to turn erection problems from something you hide into something you handle together. These steps apply whether you’ve been together for years or for a few weeks:
If you only have trouble with a partner, our guide to why you can’t get hard covers the common reasons.
A few ground rules make the conversation easier to start and keep it from turning into blame:
Keep It Hard has a lesson on talking about sex that covers these ground rules and includes a video for your partner that you can send them or watch together. A few questions show where to begin.
If you’re his partner, the first thing to know is that erection problems are common, and they’re usually not about you or about how attractive he finds you. They tend to come from worry, stress or a health problem, and they’re easier to work on when he doesn’t have to hide them.
What you can do:
If you’d like to understand how worry can block an erection, our guide to psychological erectile dysfunction explains it.
In a marriage or any long-term relationship, erection problems can slowly push sex out of your routine until neither of you knows how to bring it up. Every couple can benefit from six conversations about sex, and they matter even more when erections have become a worry:
In this exercise you take turns touching each other, with intercourse off the table at first, so attention moves from your erection to what you both feel. It’s designed to ease anxiety around intimacy and make it easier to say what you like. If either of you has a history of sexual abuse or physical trauma, do it with a therapist’s guidance.
Plan about 20 minutes, three times a week. One of you does the touching for about 10 minutes while the other relaxes and notices the sensations, then you swap. Save talking for afterward, and move on only when a stage feels relaxed for both of you:
Keep It Hard includes this exercise and a solo version of it, as well as lessons on foreplay and positions. It adds the practices to your daily plan.
Talking about erection problems takes pressure off both of you.
Keep It Hard is for men who want stronger, more reliable erections. Its 17 lessons cover how erections work, anxiety, the pelvic floor and sex with a partner, and practice takes about 10 to 20 minutes a day.
Ground rules for the conversation, six conversations every couple can have and a video for your partner.
The touch exercise, foreplay, sex that doesn’t depend on penetration and positions that make it easier to stay hard.
Breathing and grounding exercises, plus work on the critical inner voice that expects things to go wrong.
A few questions are enough to get a plan that shows which practices to start with. After that, Keep It Hard sets out what to do each day.
Erection problems often have everyday causes, but some need medical attention. See a doctor if you can’t get an erection in any situation, including on your own or on waking, or if any of these apply:
You can bring your partner to the appointment if you’d both like that. Our guide to erectile dysfunction covers the medical side in more detail.
A new partner raises the stakes. You want it to go well, and that pressure alone can make an erection harder to get, especially the first few times. You don’t owe anyone your medical history, but a few words can make the first time easier.
If you’ve had trouble before, you can mention it before things get physical, for example: “I can get nervous the first few times, so I like to take things slowly.” If it happens in the moment, stay close and let things slow down: “I’m really enjoying this. Let’s just take our time.”
When a new partner knows what’s going on, the next time often feels less like a test. If the trouble continues after the first few times, the same steps apply: talk about it, keep touch going and find out what’s behind it.
These figures come from a survey of The Coach users after their first four weeks. They describe what users reported, not a promise for every man.
You can start with two exercises that need no partner. In box breathing, you breathe in, hold, breathe out and hold again, each to the same slow count. In the soft penis exercise, you spend about 10 minutes touching your penis while it’s soft, without trying to get hard. You can start both before you talk to your partner or while you wait for the right moment, and your plan shows how often to do each one.
Reviews from men using the app, in their own words.
“The program also emphasizes understanding a partner’s needs through communication, emotional connection, and attentiveness. Instead of offering quick fixes, it encourages men to slow down, listen actively, and create a more collaborative experience with their partner.”
“This app is just what I needed when my confidence was at an all time low. I felt stressed and completely lost all interest to the point where I struggled to get it up. But then I took a chance on this app. Daily listening and going through the exercises sometimes even half-mindedly. Well! Let’s just say she definitely noticed the change and now can’t seem to get enough of it 😁👍”
“I’m happy to say this app has helped me open up a whole new line of communication with my S/O. Every resource for a better relationship is at your fingertips in this app. love it”
“My experience with ‘The Coach’ app has been very good. The lessons and exercises have helped me tremendously. I am much more confident both within myself and also with my appearance. Intimate moments are not so anxious as before because I follow the helpful advice given in the ‘The Coach’ app.”
Keep It Hard was developed with specialists in men’s health, among them urologists, physical therapists, a sex therapist and a sex coach.
Gerard Greene
Specialist men's health physiotherapist and senior lecturer at Coventry University.
Dr. Susie Gronski
Licensed physical therapist, certified sexuality counselor, and founder of a men's pelvic health clinic.
Natalie Goldberg
Certified sex and family therapist dedicated to improving intimate relationships and personal well-being.
Dr. Amy Pearlman
Board-certified urologist specializing in male sexual wellness, performance, and hormonal health.
Dr. Justin Houman
MD, UCLA-trained urologist and male reproductive specialist focusing on sexual health.
Cameron Fraser
Australia's leading men's sex coach, specializing in male sexual wellness and performance.
Ben Greenfield
13-time Ironman triathlete, bestselling author, and recognized expert in health, fitness, and performance.
Dr. Gary Shlifer
DO, board-certified internal medicine physician specializing in preventative care, nutrition, and anti-aging.
Tell him that it isn’t a verdict on you or on the relationship, and talk about it away from the bedroom. Stay affectionate without expecting intercourse, and make sex less about his erection. If he can’t get an erection in any situation or has other symptoms, suggest seeing a doctor and offer to go with him.
Pulling back from touch is often a way of avoiding another moment when his erection fails, rather than a loss of interest in you. Tell him that you miss being close and that touch doesn’t have to lead to intercourse. A touch exercise for couples can make closeness feel safe again.
They can contribute. Unresolved conflict, resentment or feeling criticized can get in the way of arousal, and erection problems can in turn add tension to a relationship. If the trouble happens only with your partner and not on your own, the relationship and the pressure around sex are worth looking at.
It can put a strain on one, mostly through silence and avoidance: less sex, less touch and more doubt on both sides. Talking about it, keeping affection going and working on the cause together make it much easier to get through.
Pick a quiet time when you’re not about to have sex and keep it simple: say what has been happening, that it isn’t about how you feel about her, and what would help, such as more time for touch. Then ask how it has been for her.
You don’t have to, but a short, relaxed mention can help, for example that you sometimes get nervous the first few times and like to take things slowly. If it happens anyway, slow down and stay close rather than stopping to apologize. If your erection fades during sex, see our guide to losing your erection during sex.
No. Box breathing, the soft penis exercise and the pelvic floor exercises are done on your own, and the touch exercise has a solo version. The lessons on talking about sex, foreplay and positions are for when you have a partner.
About 10 to 20 minutes. Some practices are daily and others a few times a week; your plan shows what to do each day.
