Getting your wife in the mood usually starts hours before bedtime. For many women, desire comes more easily when the stress has eased, the house is quiet and they feel wanted rather than needed. So take something off her plate, let her know during the day that she’s on your mind, and when you’d like sex, say so warmly and leave her room to answer. Man’s Guide to Sexting, a program in The Coach app, teaches you how to set that mood by text, from a message in the afternoon to the moment you walk through the door.
Get my planGetting your wife in the mood for sex rarely comes down to one move at bedtime. These six things work together over an ordinary day. Start with the one that fits her situation best.
For more messages to send at different points of her day, see our guide to sexting messages for her.
Feeling wanted is one of the things that help a woman’s desire build. Show her that she still catches your eye, even after years of shared routine.
If your hints tend to get lost, say it plainly. A warm, direct invitation is the simplest way to tell your wife you want sex without making it sound like a demand, and it doesn’t leave her wondering what you mean.
Man’s Guide to Sexting has a lesson on making a clear invitation when hints don’t land, and another on what to text in everyday moments, like on your way home or once the house goes quiet. Our quiz asks a few questions and builds a personal plan from your answers.
Take the pressure off first, then invite her clearly.
Man’s Guide to Sexting is a 14-lesson program in The Coach app that you read at your own pace. It shows you how to tell what mood she’s in, what to send at the moments of the day that matter and how to make an invitation that leaves her room to answer.
How stress, tiredness and unresolved tension can hold her desire back, and how to write a message that takes pressure off instead of adding to it.
What to send before her stressful meeting, on your way home, once the house is finally quiet and when your chats have gone dry.
How to say what you want when hints get missed, give the evening a shape and make it easy for her to answer honestly.
Answer a few questions, and you’ll get a personal plan with a clear place to begin.
In a long marriage, desire usually doesn’t vanish overnight; it tends to get crowded out by work, kids and the business of running a home. To get your wife in the mood more often, bring small signals back into ordinary days: a flirty reply to a practical text, or a few minutes together on the couch before the evening fills up.
If you’re hoping to get your wife in the mood again after a long dry spell, start small and be patient. One great evening won’t undo months of distance, and it doesn’t need to. What tends to help is a steady pattern: you notice her, you share the load, and you ask in a way that leaves room for a no.
For playful texts that keep the flirting going through the week, see our guide to flirty texts for her.
If sexy texts have never been part of your marriage, the first one can feel a little strange for both of you. Keep it light, so it feels like something new you’re trying together rather than a test: “New habit I’m trying: flirting with my wife at lunchtime. That blue shirt this morning? Very distracting.”
Her first replies might be a joke, a single word or an emoji. That’s her joining in, so answer warmly instead of pushing for more. If she tells you sexting just isn’t for her, ask once what she’d enjoy instead, and flirt the way she likes, in person or with a note on her pillow.
For a fuller introduction to sexting, see our guide on how to sext a girl.
These figures come from a survey of The Coach users after their first four weeks. They show what users reported, not a result every man will see.
When she’s exhausted, she may simply have nothing left for sex, and that isn’t a verdict on you. Make the evening easier first, then offer closeness that doesn’t have to lead anywhere: “You’ve done enough for one day. I saved you the good spot on the couch.” If she seems up for more, follow her lead; if she falls asleep on your shoulder, that still counts as a good night. Man’s Guide to Sexting shows you what to send on evenings like these, when warmth matters more than heat.
Reviews from men using the app, in their own words.
“The program also emphasizes understanding a partner’s needs through communication, emotional connection, and attentiveness. Instead of offering quick fixes, it encourages men to slow down, listen actively, and create a more collaborative experience with their partner.”
“I’m happy to say this app has helped me open up a whole new line of communication with my S/O. Every resource for a better relationship is at your fingertips in this app. love it”
“I am grateful for the reminders and techniques to enhance and revitalize my love for my wife. Technique that makes you own the confidence that you’re doing the right stuff. Anatomy that we forgot about and sensory stuff that makes her squirm. Thank you”
“After only five or six lessons, I was tuned in to making the experience more pleasurable for her, which actually made me feel sexier! I’m not ashamed to admit that the Coach made me a better partner and lover.”
The Coach works with clinical researchers, certified sex therapists and medical professionals, including practicing urologists.
Dr. Justin Lehmiller
PhD in social psychology and senior research fellow at the Kinsey Institute.
Dr. Jessica Yih
Urologist and director of women's sexual health and male infertility at UCI.
Dr. Kirti S. Patel
Board-certified ob/gyn and host of The Gynarchy, a women's-health podcast.
Cameron Fraser
Australia's leading men's sex coach, specializing in male sexual wellness and performance.
Dr. Paula Hall
Accredited sexual and relationship psychotherapist, registered with leading professional bodies in psychotherapy.
Natalie Goldberg
Certified sex and family therapist dedicated to improving intimate relationships and personal well-being.
Dr. Justin Houman
MD, UCLA-trained urologist and male reproductive specialist focusing on sexual health.
Dr. Amy Pearlman
Board-certified urologist specializing in male sexual wellness, performance, and hormonal health.
You can, with a long kiss or a text that hints at the evening, as long as she reads those signals the way you mean them. If your hints keep slipping past her, say it plainly instead, so she doesn’t have to guess.
Kindly, clearly and with an easy way out. If you’ve been together a while, the same steps work as they do with a wife: say what you want, give the evening a shape and leave her room to answer. Early on, keep it lighter and let her set the pace: “I’d love for tonight to end at my place. Would you like that?”
Simply and without pressure, so she knows you’re interested and can still answer however she likes: “Fair warning: you’ve been on my mind all week. No rush, I’m just being honest.” Over text, keep it short and see how she replies before you say more.
Something that fits her day and asks for nothing yet. While she’s at work: “Whatever happens at work today, tonight I’m cooking and you’re off duty.” Later, if she’s relaxed and texting back: “I’ve been counting down to tonight since lunch.” Then let her reply decide how far it goes.
Plan around them instead of waiting for a quiet evening that never comes. Take over bedtime, pick a night when you’re both less worn out and give her a little time to switch off once the house is quiet. A lock on the bedroom door doesn’t hurt either.
Each of these stages can change her energy, her body and what feels good to her, so ask rather than guess. During pregnancy, her comfort comes first. After a baby, the most helpful thing may be taking on more of the night feedings and housework so she can rest. In menopause, she may want more time and a slower start. If sex has become painful at any stage, that’s something to raise with her doctor.
Bring it up at a calm moment, not right after a no, and ask instead of complaining: what makes it harder for her, and what would make it easier? Low desire often has more than one cause, from exhaustion to tension between you. If it has lasted a long time or worries either of you, a doctor or a sex therapist is a good place to start.
