Start with shared agreement
Discuss whether you both want to try one person taking the lead. Agree on what is welcome and what is off-limits before beginning.
Learning how to initiate sex as a woman can start with a simple invitation: say what you’d enjoy, ask whether your partner is interested, or offer a kiss if touch is welcome. Notice what helps each of you feel relaxed and interested. You can be direct, playful or gentle, and either of you can say no. The aim is to express your interest clearly and see whether you both want to continue. The Sex is a Skill program in The Coach for Her app includes lessons on taking the lead, communication and responding to a no. Take the quiz to get a personal plan.
Take the quizBefore you initiate, consider what helps each of you feel interested and comfortable. Closeness, direct invitations, playful messages and a restful setting may appeal at different times. Ask what your partner enjoys rather than assuming that one cue will always work.
You may enjoy different ways of starting intimacy. Talk about those preferences and choose an invitation that feels welcome to both of you. For more on how interest can develop, see our guide to responsive desire.
Taking the initiative means suggesting what you’d enjoy while paying attention to your partner’s response. These ideas help you start and continue a moment you both want.
You can practice making a clear invitation without expecting yourself to feel confident every time. For related ideas about oral touch, see our guide to going down on him.
Sex is a Skill for Her is a program in The Coach for Her app. It begins with your own pleasure, then explores your partner’s body and taking the lead. The third part covers initiating, communication, role play and responding to a no. Its practices offer ways to try making an invitation and reflect on the experience.
Three expectations you can let go of.
You can invite intimacy without being responsible for your partner’s response.
If you want to explore how to be more dominant in bed, begin with a conversation about what you both want. Taking a leading role is optional and depends on shared agreement. These four points keep that agreement part of the experience.
Discuss whether you both want to try one person taking the lead. Agree on what is welcome and what is off-limits before beginning.
Choose a clear word or signal for stopping, and agree to respond immediately. Ordinary requests to pause or stop still count. Either person can change their mind at any point.
Spanking and commands are optional, not requirements for taking the lead. Discuss any new activity beforehand, stay within agreed limits and check in as you go. Stop immediately if either of you wants to stop.
Aftercare means checking how you both feel after the experience. You might want a conversation, a blanket, closeness or some space. Ask what would help rather than assuming the same response from each other.
The program includes practices for making invitations and communicating what you want. Take the quiz to get a personal plan.
If you’re looking for sexy role play ideas, start by discussing a scenario you would both enjoy. You can keep familiar parts of your personality and change only the setting or roles. These suggestions help you agree on a beginning, boundaries and an ending.
Two possible scenarios are a boss and an intern, or two strangers meeting at a hotel bar. Treat them as fictional roles you have both chosen, with boundaries agreed beforehand. Choose a different scenario if either idea feels uncomfortable.
If your partner says “not tonight,” you may feel disappointed or uncertain. You don’t have to hide the feeling, but it is separate from respecting the answer. Give yourself time before deciding whether there is anything you want to discuss later.
Respect his answer and don’t keep asking. If you feel disappointed, give yourself a moment without making him responsible for changing his mind.
You can say “okay” and give him space. A kiss or light touch is an option only if it is welcome. Accepting a no helps both of you feel free to say what you want.
From a survey of The Coach users who finished their first four weeks:
Take the quiz to get a personal plan for exploring the program’s lessons and practices.
Reviews of The Coach for Her, including verbatim excerpts.
“It really helped me learn more about my health and how to improve my intimacy with my husband. I would recommend it”
“It helps me understand myself better, not just emotionally but also in how I connect with others. I like that everything is broken into small, simple lessons, so it doesn’t feel overwhelming.”
“I have learnt so much about myself and relationships that I never thought was possible”
“I recently started using The Coach (for her) and am so pleased so far. The information included is educational and also so fun. I love that the lessons are broken down into small lessons making it easy to learn in whatever time you have, whether that be minutes or hours.”
The Coach works with clinical researchers, sex therapists and medical professionals.
Dr. Jessica Yih
Urologist and director of women’s sexual health and male infertility at UCI.
Dr. Kirti S. Patel
Board-certified ob/gyn and host of The Gynarchy, a women’s-health podcast.
Dr. Justin Lehmiller
PhD in social psychology and senior research fellow at the Kinsey Institute.
Dr. Paula Hall
Accredited sexual and relationship psychotherapist, registered with leading professional bodies in psychotherapy.
Natalie Goldberg
Certified sex and family therapist dedicated to improving intimate relationships and personal well-being.
Dr. Susie Gronski
Licensed physical therapist, certified sexuality counselor, and founder of a men’s pelvic health clinic.
Dr. Gary Shlifer
DO, board-certified internal medicine physician specializing in preventative care, nutrition, and anti-aging.
Dr. Joshua Roland
MD, sleep medicine specialist, and clinical instructor at the David Geffen School of Medicine, UCLA.
Make a small, clear invitation and leave room for a no. You might ask whether your partner would like a kiss or a moment of closeness. Choose a time when you can both respond freely.
Ask what kinds of invitations your husband enjoys, and share what you enjoy too. You might prefer direct words, playful messages or quiet time together. Choose something you both welcome, without treating a particular cue as a way to guarantee his interest.
Respect his answer and don’t insist. You can say “okay” and give him space. A kiss or touch is an option only if it is welcome. You can feel disappointed without asking him to change his mind.
No. You can initiate with a simple invitation and keep making decisions together. If you’re wondering how to be more dominant in a relationship, discuss what that means to each of you. A chosen role during sex doesn’t give either person control over the other’s choices.
No. You can use your own words and a familiar setting. If you both want to add a toy, blindfold or prop, discuss it first. Those items are optional and aren’t included with the app.
Sex is a Skill for Her includes lessons and practices about your own pleasure, your partner’s body and taking the lead. The third part covers initiating, communication, role play and handling a no. Practices range from ten to thirty-five minutes, and several include audio guidance.
