Spontaneous desire
You feel interested in sex before sexual touch begins. That interest may lead you to seek intimacy with a partner.
Responsive desire develops after arousal begins, rather than appearing beforehand. You may become interested in sex during touch or closeness that you already want and enjoy. Stress, lack of privacy and worries about your body can make that harder. Understanding what helps you relax and what you enjoy can make it easier to notice desire when it develops. The Sex is a Skill program in The Coach for Her app includes lessons about desire and what affects it. A few questions will show you where to start.
Show me where to startDesire depends on both what interests you and what makes intimacy difficult. The gas-and-brakes model is one way to describe these influences: some experiences encourage arousal, while others inhibit it. Noticing both can help you understand why the same touch may feel welcome one day and distracting the next.
Start by addressing anything that makes intimacy uncomfortable. If touch feels welcome, you can explore it without deciding in advance that it must lead to sex. You can pause or stop at any point. If sex hurts, or a change in desire concerns you, speak with a health professional.
Closeness, erotic cues, touch and your surroundings can all affect arousal. You don’t need to arrange everything perfectly. Choose something you already enjoy, and allow yourself time to notice how it feels.
Choose a change that would make intimacy more comfortable for you. Desire may develop, but it doesn’t have to. An enjoyable moment of closeness can end without sex.
Sex is a Skill for Her is a program in The Coach for Her app, with lessons about desire and the circumstances that affect it. The program starts with your own pleasure, then explores your partner’s body and taking the lead. Guided practices give you a way to try what you learn at your own pace.
Low desire can be easy to misinterpret.
Notice what helps you feel comfortable, and let your interest guide what happens next.
Spontaneous and responsive desire describe two common patterns. You may recognize both: sometimes you want intimacy before it starts, and sometimes interest develops during touch you already enjoy.
You feel interested in sex before sexual touch begins. That interest may lead you to seek intimacy with a partner.
You choose touch or closeness that feels welcome, and desire may develop as you become aroused. This doesn’t mean agreeing to touch or sex you don’t want.
Neither pattern makes your desire better or worse. Noticing how interest develops can help you explain your preferences to a partner.
Start with comfort and willingness: choose touch you already welcome, with no obligation to continue or to feel desire.
The program offers lessons about desire and practices for noticing what you enjoy. Take the quiz to get a personal plan.
More than one of these five may feel familiar, and your preferences can change. The last point is about putting what you notice into words.
You can use these observations to explain what you enjoy and what you would like to change. They don’t have to lead to sex every time.
These six suggestions show how to be present during sex when your mind wanders. Choose what feels useful; you don’t need to do them all.
If you’re wondering how to feel sexy again, try noticing sensations you enjoy without judging how you look. For a practice focused on attention and sensation, see our guide to guided masturbation.
From a survey of The Coach users who finished their first four weeks:
Answer a few questions to get a personal plan. The program begins with exploring your own pleasure.
Reviews of The Coach for Her, including verbatim excerpts.
“I was not expecting such a complete app. There’s so much helpful information, practical tips, and exercises.”
“Sex and desire, in particular, are areas I want to improve in my personal life with my partner. For the first time, I don’t feel like an outsider, and I’ve realized that most of the things I was struggling with are actually quite normal.”
“It helps me understand myself better, not just emotionally but also in how I connect with others. I like that everything is broken into small, simple lessons, so it doesn’t feel overwhelming.”
“I recently started using The Coach (for her) and am so pleased so far. The information included is educational and also so fun. I love that the lessons are broken down into small lessons making it easy to learn in whatever time you have, whether that be minutes or hours.”
The Coach works with clinical researchers, sex therapists and medical professionals.
Dr. Jessica Yih
Urologist and director of women’s sexual health and male infertility at UCI.
Dr. Kirti S. Patel
Board-certified ob/gyn and host of The Gynarchy, a women’s-health podcast.
Dr. Justin Lehmiller
PhD in social psychology and senior research fellow at the Kinsey Institute.
Dr. Paula Hall
Accredited sexual and relationship psychotherapist, registered with leading professional bodies in psychotherapy.
Natalie Goldberg
Certified sex and family therapist dedicated to improving intimate relationships and personal well-being.
Dr. Susie Gronski
Licensed physical therapist, certified sexuality counselor, and founder of a men’s pelvic health clinic.
Dr. Gary Shlifer
DO, board-certified internal medicine physician specializing in preventative care, nutrition, and anti-aging.
Dr. Joshua Roland
MD, sleep medicine specialist, and clinical instructor at the David Geffen School of Medicine, UCLA.
If you’re too tired, rest is a valid choice. Learning how to get in the mood for sex doesn’t mean making yourself want it tonight. If you’d enjoy closeness, agree on touch that feels welcome without expecting it to lead to sex.
Speak with a health professional if sex hurts, your desire changes suddenly, or a persistent change worries you. The app offers education and guided practices; it can’t diagnose the cause of low desire.
Sexual temperament is a way to describe patterns in how readily you become interested or distracted during intimacy. It isn’t a diagnosis or a fixed measure of your desire. Your experience can change with circumstances and over time.
Sex is a Skill for Her includes lessons and practices about your own pleasure, your partner’s body and taking the lead. Desire and arousal are among the topics. Practices range from ten to thirty-five minutes, and several include audio guidance.
You can begin the lessons and self-reflection practices on your own. Partnered topics come later, and you can choose what to explore. Some other practices use lubricant or a toy; these aren’t included with the app.
