Are you fed up with dating? Perhaps you’re thinking of giving it up and embracing ‘monk mode’ for a while?
I recently received an instant message from a confidence coaching client who was experiencing these thoughts.
It read:
“Yo, do you ever feel like you’ve had enough of chasing and don’t care about getting laid anymore?
“The effort is too much even with a 30% success rate or even more. It’s just too exhausting to flirt and interact with many girls.
“I feel like I’m better off investing in academia, work and finance as well as friends and family time. I’ve had enough of the dating scene to not care anymore.
“Not only chasing but also initiating, even if you’re so good they do the chasing afterwards. Initiating is intensive and every shut down makes me want to puke.”
Strong words indeed, but monk mode is not the answer.
Yes, there is a lot of stress involved with finding a partner. Women can be mean, expose your deepest insecurities or even completely ignore you when you approach them. Even if you hit it off in a bar, there’s every chance she gets dragged away by a friend and never sees you again. Meanwhile, ghosting is becoming increasingly common and who’s surprised? With the advent of Tinder and other similar apps, you’re usually competing with dozens of other guys for her attention. Welcome to modern dating.
It’s also true that not everyone loves socializing. An introvert’s energy supposedly drains when they speak to a lot of strangers.
However, I personally believe the following advice would prevent these problems from ruining your dating life.
Focus on ‘The Thrill of the Chase’
This sender of this message (and anyone else who can relate to him) is struggling because he’s not focusing on the excitement of meeting new people or the rush of chemistry with a new woman. He’s notenjoying the adventure of trying to hook up with a beautiful stranger. He’s just thinking about the RESULTS.
It’s understandable that some men feel this way. We are only human and not getting laid is frustrating. What’s more, a lot of guys base their self-worth on how much sex they have.
That’s why the sender of this message shouldn’t be criticized.
In fact, after being cheated on by the woman who I considered to be ‘my everything’, I felt the same as him. I only cared about the conquest.
The break-up had destroyed my confidence. Every good part of my personality had been drained and replaced with bitterness. I’d still go out and try to meet women, but these interactions were motivated by desperation. This wasn’t about fun. It was about boosting my self-esteem and replacing the woman who broke my heart, so I could forget about this betrayal. So I could stop feeling sad and start feeling purposeful again.
Unsurprisingly, I didn’t hook up with one woman while I felt like this.
People aren’t attracted to desperation. We’re repelled by anyone who has a selfish agenda. We push away strangers who need something from us.
Women in nightclubs aren’t interested in healing tortured souls. They just want to have FUN.
Thankfully, I eventually learned how to start enjoying being single and focus on having fun when I was out with my friends.
Once I did that, the results with women started to return.
Why I love meeting women in bars and clubs
I’m a huge advocate of meeting and arranging dates with women during the daytime. For me, it’s the most efficient way to land a date.
But there’s something magical about approaching women at the bar on a Friday or Saturday night.
You’re out with your best mates. Your favorite music is playing. The ladies are dressed to the nines, and there are usually dozens of them to speak to. There’s an added tolerance for obnoxious humor, outrageous behavior and getting physical with your dance partner. Plus, women tend to be more open-minded about the fun continuing all the way to the bedroom. What’s not to love?
The serendipity of it all satisfies my sense of adventure. The more you let go, the more you have fun, the more you express yourself, the more likely you’ll attract an amazing woman. It’s a win-win.
However, a lot of our confidence coaching clients are too afraid of rejection to have fun when meeting women. They’re too shy to show off their full personality, even after a few drinks. It’s ‘hard work’ for them to approach women and express themselves, because they’re so worried about what these women will think.
Every rejection is like a wrecking ball smashing their ego. It can be emotionally exhausting. If they’re having no luck with online dating as most guys do, their frustration could grow even faster. No wonder so many dudes consider giving up on women altogether.
My free e-book How To Conquer Social Anxiety is stacked with ideas for how to turn this situation around.
You can’t hide from this problem
Our client suggested he’d focus on his career, academia and family instead of dating. These pursuits are fantastic, but the fact he wants to have sex (and most likely a loving relationship) with women isn’t going to disappear.
These desires are biological. You can’t run from them.
Let’s say you spent a decade ignoring this problem. What then? You’ll be ten years older still experiencing the same level of success with women you have now. You’ll still be bitter about women and dating. You’ll still be unable to have fun at parties and other social events. You’ll still be reeking of desperation whenever you find yourself in a romantic situation.
It’s best to confront this problem now, first by addressing your self-esteem, then by realizing it’s possible to get better at attracting women. From there, find a friend, hit the bars and have an awesome time. Meet some women and start talking about what you find funny. Focus on amusing yourself rather than impressing her. Have fun and watch as the women get sucked in.
This is surely a better gameplan than giving up on dating altogether.
